Shrinking away in the distance
by indieemo-gurl21
Summary: Marissa loses control after the season 1 finale and is heading down a very dangerous path. Slowly she is slipping away. Can someone help her before it's too late or will she slip?
1. prologue

A.N. I started this story like a year ago. I sort of lost my desire to keep writing but recently I got it back. If you've read this story before in one of my A.N. I talked about one of my friends being on drugs and how I'm using her experience to write this story. Much to my dismay, she died a couple months ago. I came across this story earlier and decided that I should finish it, for her. I changed it a little because I really didn't like the way I was writing it. So hopefully you guys read it.

This is dedicated to my oldest friend, Lisa: You are free as a bird now.

Of course I own nothing. Takes place after the season one finale, only Seth didn't run away.

Prologue

Marissa gazes into the mirror trying to figure out who the person was staring back at her. She touches her gaunt, heavy face and realizes that she's her own reflection.

Her eyes are sunken in. She looks tired, worn out, deathly. Marissa looks down at her fragile body. Her once naturally skinny figure has turned into unnaturally scary. Her collar bones pop out, as well as her shoulder blades. She had lost so much weight.

But why? She doesn't know, and no one will ever know. This, thing, was supposed to help her. It was supposed to make her feel better, not harm her, not make her disappear slowly. It was not supposed to control her. It wasn't supposed to make her entire life revolve around her numerous 'shoot-ups'. It was only supposed to be a one time thing, not multiple times a day habit, a dangerous habit. She wants to stop. She needs to stop, but she doesn't know how. So instead she craves it, yearns for it. She needs it.

She turns her arms out and examines her inner arms. The bend of her arms are scarred with little puncture wounds. Some were old, many were new. She can't remember how or when it got so bad. She needs it again. Everyday that she sees, it gets worse and worse.

Summer is worried. Julie and Jimmy are worried. Sandy, Kirsten, Hailey, and even Caleb fear for her. But no one knows what is really going on. No one knows what she's doing to herself, they only see the effects. They've all tried to help, but they can't. No one can help, except one person. The only person who could have ever helped, but he's gone.

She knows she's a lost cause now. She has accepted that, her future. It's only a matter of time until she fully disappears.

Marissa made her way to her bed, sits on the edge of it, opens her top drawer and takes out the only thing that makes her feel alive.

"There she blows There she blows again Pulsing through my vein And I just can't contain, this feeling that remains"  
-The La's 


	2. Scar tissue

Disclaimer: I own nothing of The O.C. and I do not own the quotes which are marked off with slashes. The quotes are from the movie "Girl, Interrupted.  
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/ "Scar tissue….It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it, we have something to hide" / -Girl, Interrupted 

Summer walks up the stairs of the Nichol mansion. She glances at her watch. It 3 'o' clock in the afternoon; Marissa should be awake, wrong. Summer enters Marissa's room. She's sleeping.

"Coop! Coop! Get up!" Summer tries to shake her awake, but is surprised when Marissa slaps her hand away.

"Don't touch me!" Marissa snaps as she gets up without realizing who it was. She looks at the person who had just awoken her. "Sorry, Summ. I didn't know it was you" Marissa says gently.

Summer who is surprised and scared at the same time says, "It's ok." Summer sits on the edge of Marissa's bed. "Coop, ew, you're sweating like crazy."

Marissa wipes a bead of sweat from her fore-head. "Yeah, it's burning up in here."

"Are you kidding? You're mom has the A/C on like full blast. It's like 50 degrees in here, not really, but you get my point."

"Yeah." Marissa says dully.

Summer sees a trash can next to the bed. "Ewww gross. What's that?" Summer points to the trash can.

"Oh, sorry." Marissa picks up the trash can and puts in in the shower to wash out. "I was throwing up last night and I was too weak to get up, so yeah."

"You were throwing up again?"

"Yeah, I think I'm sick."

"Yes, you are." Summer looks at Marissa gravely and knowingly. "You using it again aren't you?"

"No."

"Yes you are."

"Damn it, I said I'm not!"

Summer gets up from the bed and walks to Marissa. Summer grabs Marissa's arm. "No? Then what are these?" She reveals Marissa's inner arm. Marissa pulls her arm back.

"They're from the last time." Marissa lies.

"They're fresh."

"No they aren't."

"Marissa." Summer says sternly.

"They're not." Marissa defends.

Summer looks toward the bed. She sees a syringe hidden under the bed. She walks back to the bed, bends down and carefully picks up the syringe. "Then what is this?"

Marissa stays silent.

Summer drops the needle. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Look at you? In all honesty, you look like crap."

"Thanks." Marissa says sarcastically.

"You do. You used to be one of the most beautiful girls in Newport, in Orange County. And now, now you're just another O.C druggie." Summer slightly shakes her head. "I bet you haven't washed your hair in days. It's not combed. You have no make-up. What happened to you?"

"There are more important things than being beautiful or presentable or any other of that useless shit."

"Yeah, there is, like staying alive." Summer starts to get emotional. "Look at you Marissa, you're dying. You're barely living."

"Maybe that's the way to live." Marissa says simply.

"You are my best friend and I love you. I don't want to lose you."

Marissa looks away. "I can't stop."

"Yes you can."

"No, I can't! It's not that easy! I'm used to it now, it's apart of me! If I don't take it I feel like I'm dying, but when I'm on it, I'm living. I need it to function."

"You're barely functioning right now! You call missing showers, sleeping till the afternoon and freaking out on me, functioning?" Summer walks to Marissa and grabs her hands. "Is this about Ryan?"

"I thought we agreed not to talk about him."

"Is this about Ryan?"

"No." Marissa looks away.

"Marissa, look at me. It's Summer, remember me? We tell each other everything. Is this about Ryan?"

Marissa looks back to Summer. "Maybe. But not just that. I have to live here with my mom, who I really hate, and Caleb, who I hate even more and who is forcing me to live in this hell hole. So I'm not going to be all happy and act as if everything is all peachy when it's not, not even close. You don't know what I've been through and sometimes I wonder maybe you never really knew me at all. So save it and don't act like you do. You don't know how hard it is for me. I can't even accept what I've been through because if you compare my life to everyone else's, it's not fair." Marissa emotions take over. She lets the tears shed that had been locked away for months. She's never let anyone close enough to open up to."Sometimes I feel like falling asleep and not waking up ever. Sometimes I close my eyes and pray that they don't open again, hoping that I go to a better place. / I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. /"

Summer is shocked by her confession. "Marissa-"

"I used to wish that for one day, one fucking day, that I could feel something other then what I feel right now. I wished to feel nothing and I found it. I like the way it feels to not feel at all. I love how all my problems go away with one shoot. I'm just trying to make the shit stop. But I hate how it all comes tumbling back to me when it wears out; I hate it when I finally come back and realize there's nothing good left anymore. "

Summer's eyes fill with tears. Marissa's right. No one will ever know what it's like to be her. No one will ever know exactly how she feels. Summer does the only things best friends know how to do, and that is to try to comfort. "Coop." Summer walks to Marissa and hugs her as her best friend finally lets it all out. "You're going to get through this."

Marissa takes the shoulder that's given to her. She hasn't had a shoulder to cry on in a while. "You promise?"

"I promise. What ever you need."

Marissa pulls back and looks at her best friend. Marissa struggles to say it, but she does. "I need help."

"Then we'll get you it. But no more."

"No more, I promise."

"I believe you."

"Thank you."

"Anything."

"If you don't mind, I actually want to take a shower." Marissa smiles lightly.

"Good, cause you're starting to get a little musty, Coop."

Marissa gives a weak laugh; a weak, but for the first time in a while, a real laugh.

Marissa grabs some clothes and a towel and heads to the bathroom. She closes the door, locks it and turns on the shower. She strips down and before entering the shower she notices blood on her face as she passes the mirror. She looks in the mirror and sees blood coming from her nose. She quickly wipes it off and steps into the shower. Suddenly she starts to cough. One cough turns into two, two turns into three and so on. She's coughing so hard it feels as thought she's coughing her insides out. She sits down in the tub until her coughing subsides. She sobs into her hands and mumbles into her hands, "Why me?"

Quitting is going to be a lot tougher than imagined. It's been only 7 hours since her last fix and she's feeling it.  
Boy is she feeling it. This is going to be one hard journey.


	3. The worst kind of suffering

Disclaimer: I own nothing of The O.C. and I do not own the quote.

A.N. Just a short update. A longer one will come soon. Thanks for the reviews.  
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"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worse kind of suffering." -Paulo Coelho -  
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Twenty five hours. Twenty five long hours since she's had a fix. She's had twenty five hours of actual feeling. The past day has been the worse of her life and that's saying a lot. She could barely move. It hurt to breathe. Blood would drip from her nose like a running faucet. She would have hot flashes one minute and get cold flashes the next. She wants it to stop. She wants every thing to stop. So here she is, sitting on her bed staring at the syringe that made every thing stop and begin all at once. She sits here unknowing whether to break a promise or give in; become weak. Her concentration is broken by a knock on her door.

"Marissa?"

Marissa quickly picks up the materials and places them in her drawer. "Come in."

Summer comes in and notices a guilty looking Marissa sitting on her bed. "What were you doing?"

"Nothing." Marissa answers quickly.

"Marissa."

"What?"

"What were you doing?"

"Nothing." Marissa says truthfully.

"Ok. Well, do you want to head over to Fashion Island? Do a little shopping there?"

"Uhhh, sure. Let me just take a quick shower."

"Great. I'll just go catch up with your mom or something."

"Good luck."

Summer walks out of the room. Marissa grabs her stuff for the shower. As she opens the desk drawer for something she sees the tools. She looks around the empty room, grabs the materials, hides them in her towel and heads to the bathroom. She locks the door behind her. She sets down her things and grabs the dangerous materials. She takes the tourniquet and wraps it around her upper arm. As she waits for her veins to ripen she looks up at the mirror. She sees an image she never wished to see; she's staring at what seems to be a lost cause. She stares back at her reflection. She looks so foreign. She looks down at the syringe on the sink and suddenly tears begin to form in her eyes. She looks down at her inner arm to see her veins ready and willing. She quickly takes off the tourniquet and throws it at the mirror. She begins to sob into her hands. The beginning of the summer she was waiting; waiting for everything in her life to get better. It never did. She then went on to trying to forget everything. It worked for a while, but in the end, it all came crashing back. But now, she's out of options known to her. She doesn't know. 


End file.
